Machinery

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Math

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Memory

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Mirrors

I broke a mirror in my house. It's supposed to get me seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I won't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Misc.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I was on a chair lift with a guy I didn't know. He said it was the first time he'd been skiing in ten years. I said "why?" He said "because I've been in jail, you wanna know why?" I said "not really." He said "I pushed a total stranger off a ferris wheel." I said "I remember you."

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I know when I'm going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

I bought one of those glass balls with snow in it that you turn upside down. Mine has a little plow in it that comes out and does the roads.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."

I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

How young can you die of old age?

Sometimes you can't hear me because sometimes I talk in parentheses.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I was doing peyote when I took my SATs. I got 1800.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

What are imitation rhinestones?

I took a baby shower.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I love the Stones! I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years. I watch 'em whenever I can, Fred and Barney.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

The sky already fell. Now what?

My girlfriend got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. Her father is the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.

Money

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

Why it is a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Museums

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Nudity

My school color was clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Paint

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Sex

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Shopping

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you have anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Sleep

My girl friend has a queen sized bed, I have a court jester size bed. It's red and green and has bells on it. The ends curl up.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I bought an album that teaches you Spanish while you sleep. During the night the record skipped, so now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Songs

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Sponges

Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I made a bathing suit out of sponges. I went swimming, but when I got out no one could swim any more, so I went back.

Sports

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I was watching the Super Bowl with my 92-year-old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

Telephones

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I called the wrong number today. I said is Joey there? A women answered and said yes, he is. I said, can I speak to him please? She said no, he can't talk right now, he's only two months old. I said all right, I'll wait.

Time

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

A guy asked me if I knew what time it was; I said yes, but not right now.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Toys

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Trees

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it funny?

Nearby is a forest. Not just any forest, but a forest where they get paneling. It was a long thin forest.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

Water

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I like to tease my plants when I water them -- I water them with ice cubes.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.