I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying nowhere." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

I'm on the jury for a bizarre case. They say 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it -- I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Body Parts

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Children

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

When ever I'm around a little baby, I always write down the noise he's making so that years later I can ask him what he meant.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

I was born cesarean. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

Clothing

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Driving

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honour, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was gone.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Electricity & Batteries

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

What do batteries run on?

I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

I had no electricity in my house - no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash. To make a sandwich, I had to take 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police -- they thought there was lightning in my house.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Everything

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Feelings

You know when you sit on a chair, lean back on two legs, and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? Well, I feel like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Firearms

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Flying

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

One night a jet flew too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

Food

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Last time I went to the movies, I got thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was the concession prices where outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue for a long time.

God

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

House & Home

I had my coathangers spayed.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. Couldn't believe it. Called my roommate in and told him all my stuff was an exact replica, what do you think? He said, do I know you?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Jobs & Hobbies

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I worked in a health food store, but got fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short ...

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a proof reader for a skywriting company.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Language & Writing

Is "tired old cliché" one?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

The first time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I've written several children's books. Not on purpose.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

Light & Shadow

My night light is a searchlight. If I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I have to time it so I don't get caught.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I like to bring a flashlight to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.